The scale can be so frustrating. You can’t completely trust it! Weight loss in general totally screws with my endearment for math. Math was always my favorite subject in school because there isn’t any middle ground for the right answer. You’re either right, or you’re wrong. I’m not so fond of things that are subjective, or things that you can’t count on. Weight loss is definitely something you can’t count on.
So today I find myself 4 pounds lighter than I was 3 days ago. Great, right? No. It totally freaks me out. On the one hand, now I’ve only got 14 pounds to lose. So I can re-do all my math for the rest of the year giving me less calories to burn each week, or a greater allowance for food. Maybe a few binge days won’t kill me? I’m getting ready for my Halloween party already!
But then I remember that this is what I’ve been doing all year long. This is why I haven’t stuck to a diet and still find myself plagued with a food addiction. I’ll be good for a few days and see positive results, then sabotage myself. I could get all psychological with you and say that I do this because I’m not ready to reach this goal. Sometimes I do wonder. This is the thinnest I’ve been since my sophomore year of high school. I’ve gotten so comfortable at being overweight that to actually reach and maintain my goal weight seems so foreign.
I think that my problem with food started when I was very young. Some of my favorite memories as a child were when my Dad would take us girls to Roger’s Bakery in the morning before school. They sold these huge, delicious cinnamon rolls. It always made us happy to enjoy something so yummy together. Also, at any opportunity, I remember begging my Dad to take us to the local convenience store for candies and treats. My Dad loved to make us happy and would indulge us. And of course when you’re a kid and you clean you’re plate, you get a desert. These things made me associate the feeling of happiness with treats and having a full belly. I think it’s that way for many people.
So now when I’ve had a not so great day at work, or I’m disappointed with my weight loss progress, or dealing with some other stress; I turn to food in a big way. Even recently there have been days where I’ve eaten in moderation all day, only to hard core binge at night. I remember in the last month or so, when I had one of these days I actually counted up all the calories that I had consumed. Normally I wouldn’t bother counting the calories and chalk it up to a bad day for weight loss. I counted around 1500 for my day, and then 3500 for my night time binge. 3500 calories is a whole pound! I certainly have never burned that many calories in one day, but I’m perfectly capable of eating it! It’s sickening. No wonder I found myself that overweight.
Also, something I keep coming back to is the idea that once I’ve lost all the weight I’ll be able to eat normally. What do I really feel is eating normally? I’ve proven to myself that “normal” for me is eating so much that I’ve gained 50 pounds in the last 8 years. In fact “I still want to eat normally” is something that I hear from a lot of people who are on the weight loss path. People are so afraid of changing their diet for real, not just for a period of weight loss. We feel as if we deserve the reward of eating more than our bodies can handle. We’re doing ourselves such a disservice!
It’s time to accept reality. The reality is that it will NEVER be okay for me to binge. It will NEVER be okay for me to be so ignorant of what I’m eating that I’ve overdone my calorie budget in a big way. It will NEVER be okay for me to stuff myself silly at a meal. What an unhealthy habit I have! I’ll eat my meals until my stomach hurts from filling it so full. I’m punishing myself all the time. It’s time that I treat myself right. Though other people’s issues with food may be different from mine, I know that I’m not alone in this. I encourage everyone to really take an honest look at what you’re eating and choose to eat to live, rather than living to eat.