Monthly Archives: September 2011

Nervous For Tomorrow

So tomorrow I weigh in again. It will mark three weeks on the whole foods diet (no animal products and limited sugar and processed oils). So far my weight has continued to drop even though I haven’t really done a darn thing except change my eating habits. I started out at around 173 and at my last weigh in earlier this week I was down to 168. I really shouldn’t complain about losing 5 pounds in just over two weeks.

I keep feeling like I’m not doing enough to lose weight. Even though I haven’t weighed in, I feel like I must have gained weight because I’ve been eating so much food. I’m so used to restrictive diets that I feel like I must be over indulging now and therefore will pay on the scale later. I’ve thought this before every weigh in and yet I’ve continued to drop.

I need to give myself a reality check here and just calm down. Or better yet, just put on those expensive running shoes and jog off this stress. My workouts haven’t been consistent at all since I’ve started this diet. I’m probably just getting antsy.


So Dreamy

It’s a Friday Night…

… and I’m at home learning to knit. Having a darn good time.  🙂

Glamour Shots With Miki

Orange Spider


Down 3 pounds on the new diet. This is amazing. I’ve hit my first weight loss goal so tomorrow I’m getting a mani/pedi.

I’ve gone back and forth with my motivation level for doing a whole foods, plant based diet for a very long time. I think that up until now, I’ve just always checked out mentally before I really gave it a try. Perhaps I was so afraid of failure, or I wasn’t ready to really commit to a healthy lifestyle to get the healthy body that I want. Not anymore baby!

I decided to give it a go after watching “Forks Over Knives”. If you’re interested, it’s available on instant play on Netflix. There was a lot of compelling information in the documentary about a whole foods, plant based diet and several examples of normal people who adopted the diet and saw incredible results. I decided to commit to 8 weeks on the diet.

I don’t expect to never struggle again with diet. Hardly. But these last 4 days and subsequent weight loss have been pretty encouraging. There’s been an element of detoxing involved and that’s probably not the funnest part of this diet, but that should go away soon if it hasn’t already.

Let me tell you, I’ve been eating so much food. Anytime I’m hungry I’ll eat a bowl of fruit or something. I keep eating so much food that I think, “great, now I’m going to screw up this diet too by overindulging”, and yet I wake up every morning feeling ravenous.

I keep thinking that giving up meat, dairy, excessive sugar, and refined oils is such a small sacrifice when in return you can lose weight, have more energy, and be proactive about your health. I’m just in such a great mood. 🙂

“is a razor freak”

I’m so incredibly afraid of how my thoughts, words, actions will effect someone else that I suppress myself. For instance, right now, there is nothing that I want more than to take that razor blade and drive it into my leg, maybe a centimeter deep and pulsingly drag the blade through my flesh a good 4 inches across. I feel like how I felt the first time I wanted to cut. I was sitting in a car feeling so out of control. Feeling like I wasn’t the one in command of my own life and I was just so angry. I didn’t have any more specific feelings than that, just that I wanted to feel that pain and I needed to take out that rage.

I haven’t cut myself in gosh like 3 1/2 years so that’s not really a streak I’m wanting to break so much, even though it would be so nice. In this moment I can imagine exactly how it would feel and how I could connect to a past version of myself, creating this beautiful sad moment, but then would come the regret. I’ve been sitting here in my room for the past 3 hours trying to shake this angry feeling from this untraceable source.

So now it’s occurred to me that I might be this angry because of my own behavior of hiding myself or being ashamed of my problems. I fantasized about updating my facebook status to say “is a razor freak” and maybe adding “and this won’t be a surprise to anyone who really knows me”. This got me thinking about how angry I am that this is such a secret shameful part of my life. Angry that if I were to post that, there would be people who maybe thought they knew me well that would be shocked by this confession or disturbed that I would be so blunt about it in a public forum.

Then I got angry about all the complete strangers who meet me in person and take one look at my arms and instantly know I have (or had) a serious mental problem. Then I got angry about the people who are in my everyday life who cannot be oblivious to the scars on my arms but never breach the subject with me. Now, rationally, I can look at that last group of people and consider that they act that way out of respect for me or because I put off obvious vibes of being extremely ashamed of the scars/ my past. Perhaps I put on a “don’t go there” attitude.

The only thing that I can conclude right at this moment is that I’ve let this have way too much power over me. In reality, there may be people that read this and will still be too uncomfortable to say anything to me, or will pretend like they never read this confession, but I can’t let that be my problem. I’m sick of being so fucking ashamed of myself. I’ve overcome a serious addiction and that’s so freaking cool. Yeah, I’m going to deal with self destructive urges perhaps my whole life, but I don’t need to add any additional anxiety on top of that issue by giving a shit about what anyone might think or say or feel about me.