Yesterday was a rough day for me. I was looking over my diet and exercise efforts of this week and just felt hopeless. First off, I set a goal to eat 1200 calories a day. in the last 6 days I’ve done that probably 3 times. One day I felt so frustrated with myself that I binged and brought my calorie count for the day to around 3000. Self sabotage is one of my strong suits apparently. On the workout side, I’ve gone to the gym everyday. Sometimes twice a day. I’ve lifted weights and followed up with cardio. Besides the binge day, even if my calories weren’t at 1200, they’ve been reasonable. Overall for the week according to calories, it’s been a weight loss week.
I’ve been weighing in before each workout with my clothes on and after having eaten something. I started out the week at 174, and then it went down a bit, went up a bit, then after the binge day it went up to 178. Yesterday I was back down to 176, but all I could think to myself is that all my work in the gym the entire week was for nothing because of that one binge day. I don’t understand why I do it.
Binging really has been my problem my whole life. I’ll have several days where I’m eating well or normally and then just lose it all in one sitting. I love eating. It’s funny because the other day while I was binging I was analyzing my behavior. I didn’t pretend it wasn’t happening. I kept asking myself, “why am I doing this?” The only answer I could give myself was, “Because you hate yourself.” With each mouthful, I told myself, “This is self loathing at it’s finest.”
I guess it must be true. Otherwise this pattern wouldn’t persist. I struggle with loving myself. I tell myself that I’ll be worthy of love from myself and others once I’ve lost all the weight I need to lose. Until then I’m stuck in this limbo. The problem is, I know that if I learn to love myself, it will make the weight loss process so much easier. And by not addressing this issue, if and when I get down to my goal weight will I ever be satisfied and choose to love and accept myself? Rationally, I know that I won’t.
Oh dear… kinda in the dumps now that I’ve dumped my scale. I’ve known for ages that if I stand in a certain way on this scale I can get it to read a lower number than if I just stand on it normally. But even if I stand on it normally, the number wavers so I never really know what to trust.
For over a year now, I’d decided that it’s consistent enough that I will just stand the funny way each time I weigh in and trust that number. Thinking that even if that’s not the weight I weigh, I can trust the weight loss aspect of the scale.
Last night I just gave myself a reality check over it and realized that I can’t EVER count on this scale. There’s no way that I stand exactly the same each time and I don’t want to feel like a freak at every weigh in. I’d rather be able to trust a scale whether it tells me a good thing or not.
More than that, I need to be able to trust a scale. I can’t lie to myself anymore. I’m sick of it. I’m going to conquer this. How can I possibly deal with my weight when I can’t count on my scale.
I think I’ve known this for a while. I haven’t trusted my scale but it’s given me lower numbers so I’ve kept it around for that reason alone. It’s so messed up. It’s outta here! I’m now one step closer to my ultimate health.
On this messed up scale I started out this week around 170 and yesterday was down to 165. Today I went and weighed myself on a reliable scale at my gym with clothes, shoes and in the middle of the day after I’d eaten two full meals and drank plenty of liquids. It told me 173.4. Of course that’s not the number I want to see, but it’s let me set a goal. I want to weigh 50 pounds less. 120 is the goal.
Apparently, we just can’t get enough chess around here. While babysitting the nieces today, we decided to give Brooklyn her first chess lesson. She’s only 5 years old and it didn’t take long at all for her to get a handle on the basics of the game.
She was having a grand old time capturing Jordan’s pieces, and was taking it well when her pieces got captured. Jordan then got a little ambitious with the chess lesson and in an attempt to really show her how the game works he accidentally had her in checkmate in no time. Here’s her reaction to Jordan telling her he could capture her King in 2 moves.
Obviously, since he was playing against a 5 year old, there were many opportunities for him to just crush her. I had to keep reminding him to just let them go so she could have a chance at enjoying the game. It was really funny.
Brooklyn’s little sister, Bailey, at one point got out her little pocket Gideon Bible and said (in the most adorable high pitched 2 year old voice), “According to my book, you need to move the bad guy over there!” Kids say the coolest things.
Jordan graciously let Brooklyn win the game. I was mostly impressed that she made it the whole way! What a smart kid. afterward, Jordan had had enough of not playing his best moves. He immediately got out the laptop to play against the computer.
P.S. Apparently it’s my favorite thing to post pictures of Jordan losing at chess. Haha.
Okay, it was a lucky game cause Jordan wasn’t taking me seriously (after having totally trashed me in the previous game), but the point is I have defeated Jordan at chess!!! I’ve been terrified of playing chess, and specifically playing chess with Jordan because he’s been SOOOO into chess lately. Clearly he’s the better player, but that didn’t matter tonight. And I’ll probably never play another game.
Nah, I’ll play again. I just defeated my fear of the game!