Monthly Archives: March 2011

Late Night Ramblings…

I hate admitting that I’m not perfect. Even though my flaws are very obvious, one of my biggest flaws is that I just can’t stand the idea that I’m not as great as I’d like to be.

Last year, all I did was obsess about weight loss, and now I’ve gained about 20-25 pounds back in a manner of just a few months. How embarrassing, pathetic, and ultimately telling about the type of person that I am. I’m clearly not in control of my body. I pushed myself to such an extreme last year without really working on my issues with food and exercise, that now as I’m faced with the whole weight problem all over again, I’ve got repetitive stress injuries holding me back.

The reality is that I cannot expect to lose weight biggest loser style. I have to really get in control of my life. Now looking back at my efforts last year, I realize that I was doing all those things, the exercising crazy amounts of time, the extreme calorie cutting, as a way of procrastinating dealing with my actual issues with food and healthy lifestyle.

I started this stupid blog as a way of motivating me to lose that last little bit of weight. I told myself that if I put my goals and was brutally honest on the internet, that would force me to lose the weight. Ever since I “failed” to achieve my goal, I’ve been staying away from this blog because I don’t want to own the fact that I did fail to lose the weight. Not only that but I let my failure completely get the better of me and I’ve gone in the complete opposite direction with my weight loss. I feel like I need to be brutally honest with myself finally.

Here we go- I failed to lose all the weight I set out to. I gave myself an entire year to do it, and still couldn’t handle that commitment. As soon as I failed on that goal, I became depressed and let the whole thing go down the drain. I am now 25 pounds heavier than I was at my lowest point a few months ago. I still have problems with binge eating, I hate working out, and now even more so because of my injuries. I’m much happier when I’m at a lower weight. Losing weight will only propel me forward. I really want to be in control enough of my life to have it reflected in my body. Am I capable of doing this? absolutely.

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